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COUGAR HUNTING

Loraine Wapshott spied a rather attractive young man at a wedding last week. They flirted outrageously and she gave him her number. A first date is planned at the famous Oxo Tower in London. Then, who knows? But the smile on her face suggests that the evening may not end with a polite coffee.

The fact that this young man is young enough to be her son might be a little unseemly to some, but full-time mum Loraine insists he “just” falls within her rather precise dating parameters. Were he a year or two younger – and, therefore, less than half her age – it might have posed a problem.

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Leaders of the pack: (left to right) Karin Bacardi-Fien, Caryn Scott and Loraine Wapshott

“He’s 25, which is just about fine. He knows I’m 48 and that doesn’t seem to be a problem with him. For the record, though, I won’t go out with anyone under 25.”

Her children, who are 19 and 15, must be relieved.

Fellow divorcee Karin Bacardi-Fien, also 48, has already run the gauntlet of horrified children. Her current beau, Graeme, is an eyepopping 22 years younger than her. After one of their first dates, her son pulled Graeme aside and asked what his intentions were.

Still, she believes that a 26-year-old boyfriend is “just about right” for a woman of her age and position.

“Personally, I won’t date anyone my own age or older, but many of my friends are much more fussy. My friend Carina, who is 46, only dates men who are under 30, and my friend Denise agrees. She said to me the other day that it’s all downhill after men turn 30.”

Still, she agrees that one can get carried away by this dating-younger-men business.

“I was out on the town with my Finnish friend Eya and Mexican friend Maria Elena recently,” she recalls.

“We were going from pub to pub and having a great time when we were approached by a group of guys who looked like teenagers.

“They tried chatting us up, saying we were ‘sexy older women’. We were in hysterics as they looked like they were barely past puberty.”

In the weeks and months to come, Karin and her copious friends won’t just be described as “sexy older women” in the pubs and nightclubs they frequent. They will be dubbed “cougars” – and cited as evidence of a remarkable new social trend. Whether they will be flattered or disgusted by the term is another matter, though.

Quite what constitutes a cougar is the matter of much debate. The term “urban cougar” was first used in the States to describe older women who aggressively date – or prey on, as the lingo goes – younger men.

Later this year the film Cougar Club -starring Faye Dunaway and Carrie Fisher – is released in the UK. It is an entertaining, if savage, affair, featuring a group of divorced friends who hunt in packs for young blood. The promotional blurb offers the line “We are women – hear us roar”, suggesting that the young “prey” really don’t stand a chance.

But is this film really reflecting a genuine social trend? It seems so.

It’s no longer just the likes of Demi Moore, Madonna and Joan Collins who are proud to say they prefer dating younger men.

A study by online dating service parship.co.uk recently revealed that 280,000 British women over 45 are keen to date a younger man, a leap of 20 per cent in a year.

Specialist dating websites have sprung up to satisfy the new demand – but even those who post on them can’t agree whether cougars are to be applauded or abhorred.

“A cougar is a woman old enough to be the mother of the young man she sleeps with. Once she gets older and gets age spots, she becomes a leopard,” says one online poster, in a less-thanflattering description.

Another retorts angrily that a cougar is simply a woman who is doing what men have done through history – going for a mate she finds most attractive, regardless of age or convention.

“A cougar is a woman of any age over 40 who is extremely attractive, intelligent, independent financially, has a powerful career and knows what she wants and, therefore, allows herself the freedom to seek out or accept offers from younger men,” it reads.

Karin, who is on the board of various charities and who has four children from three marriages, is perfectly happy to be called a cougar. In fact, in her bid to meet younger men, she posted on a website called gocougar.com.

With three failed marriages behind her – two to men older than herself, her third to an investment banker only six years younger – she is pretty upfront about her new strategy.

“Now I am free to choose what works for me and I find things easier and lots more fun with younger men. They go out to bars and enjoy themselves, and in certain obvious areas it works extremely well.

“It all started when I used to go to bars on the King’s Road in Chelsea in London, and I noticed that I was always being chatted up by younger men. I never actually needed to approach them.

“I remember I was once asked out by a Swedish investment banker who was 30. I turned him down, though, as he couldn’t make eye contact. His eyes were glued to my chest the whole time.

“When I got together with Graeme, my friends thought it was fantastic. They’ve been married to the same boring investment bankers for 20 years. When we meet for drinks, they want all the tiny details about Graeme and me. They’re living vicariously through me!”

Unquestionably attractive and keen to maintain that – thanks to four sessions a week with her 30-year-old personal trainer (whom she describes as “flirtatious”) – it’s little wonder Karin can command attention in pubs and bars.

She’s the sort of woman who spends a lot of money on her appearance, and she jokes that at 80 she should still be able to attract 40-year-olds – with a little help from Botox. And she does ooze sexual confidence – a de rigueur accessory for the cougar.

“It’s a cruel fact of life that when you are younger and at your most stunning, you aren’t confident with men,” she explains. “But when you start getting wrinkles and your breasts are heading south, you become full of confidence.

“I think that’s why I’m appealing to younger men. Young girls are starving themselves, whereas I am voluptuous, have my own life and am financially independent. I’m comfortable with myself.”

What’s more interesting is that Karin doesn’t feel any need to lie about her age – in fact, she regards it as an advantage.

“Graeme actually thought I was lying at first when I told him how old I was,” she says of the boyfriend she met in a Chelsea bar. “I joked: ‘Darling, women subtract from their age – not add to it.’ He isn’t bothered at all by my age – he had dated an older woman before, a woman in her 40s – it’s other people who have the problem. His brother once pointed to an elderly woman and said: ‘Graeme, do you fancy her?’ He hates me.”

Karin has been with Graeme for two years, but not every older woman has such a positive experience, she concedes: “Some men will see you as a meal ticket. They think: ‘She’s older and gagging for it, and I can provide a service.’ They are basically gold-diggers. I have a friend who gave one guy in his 20s a £15,000 loan, then another £10,000. He disappeared and she was devastated. He wasn’t worth that much money.”

Yvonne Shaw, 42, from Luton, currently between jobs, is similarly upfront about the fact that she only dates younger men – and aggressively targets them on dating websites and through small ads.

“Once I did answer an ad from someone who was older than me, thinking he would be more settled. It was a disaster. He was 46, but already he had no teeth and a pot belly,” she says.

Targeting younger men, however, has its own risks.

“I’m not finding it easy,” she confesses. “I think a lot of young people are looking for sex, whereas I am looking for commitment.

“From one advert, I got responses from men as young as 18. That’s too young. My son is 15.”

Her last relationship was with a 33-year-old and they dated for five years. That seems to have whetted her appetite for younger men.

“I’ve had a few one-night stands with younger men – one was 26 and one was 28 – and they do keep themselves in better shape. They’re not always experienced, but there is always room for improvement.”

So is Yvonne happy to be called a cougar? It seems so. “I think I’m a cougar in that I’m an independent woman who knows what she wants. I certainly don’t want to be sitting at home knitting on a Saturday night. All my friends are married or have kids but I want to go out and enjoy myself.

“I think people are still judgmental of older women who date younger men, though. Attitudes haven’t really changed. But I know what I want and I think people should just be themselves.”

Caryn Scott, from Barnehurst, Kent, is 48 and a full-time mum to four children – the oldest is 24 and the youngest is nine. She also has a boyfriend, Owen, 15 years her junior. Her oldest son and Owen are so close that they often go out drinking together.

Doesn’t she regard this as in any way. . . well, odd?

“All my children get on with him, and luckily none of them has a problem with his age,” she replies. “Some of my friends were pretty shocked, initially, though. I think there is still a lot of negativity about older women dating younger men. It does make me angry – no one bats an eyelid if it is the other way round.”

Perhaps the distaste that surrounds the idea of cougars has more to do with the fact that these women are often proud to say that they “only” date men young enough to be their sons.

Loraine – the cougar who met her latest “prey” at that wedding – insists she didn’t set out to date only younger men, but that is effectively what has happened.

The 48-year-old mother of two from Orpington in Kent, is now something of a serial dater of younger men.

“My long-term partner was 14 years older than me, but when it ended I started seeing Nigel, who was seven years younger than me. I was blown away by him.

He was so attentive and old-fashioned, and he held doors for me.

I also liked the idea of someone younger and fitter looking after me as I got older.

“That relationship ended after six years, but when we parted, I found that I was a magnet for younger men. It wasn’t a conscious decision to only date them – but I wouldn’t do any different now.

“I always keep my eye out for attractive boys. I think younger men keep you young.

“They also have less emotional baggage and more energy in the bedroom. That is so important. Let’s just say they are able to give repeat performances.

“They want older women who are confident because it takes the pressure off them.”

She, in turn, is ready to teach them everything she knows – whether it be about the music of her generation or something alittle more risquè.

“I think younger men like the fact that I’ve been there, done that and got the T-shirt,” she says. “Everyone wins.”